HannesKirsman.com

Einstein

• Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
• I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Fredrick Nietzsche

• Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?

Mark Twain

• Ära ütle, et maailm on sulle võlgu. Maailm ei võlgne sulle midagi, sest ta oli siin esimesena

Voltaire

• If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
• Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.
• No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

Plato

• Courage is knowing what not to fear.

Winston Churchill

• If you are going through hell, keep going.
• The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

1. pict7#

George Carlin

• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
• Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
• What year did Jesus think it was?
• “No comment” is a comment.

1. pict14#

Steve Martin

• I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
• You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies - all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
• Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? (Harris K. Telemacher, “L.A. Story”, 1991)

1. pict8#

Bill Maher

• Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
• They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,

which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.

1. pict9#

Jerry Seinfeld

• Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
• Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

1. pict10#

Dennis Miller

• A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

1. pict11#

Jay Leno

• Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
• The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

1. pict12#

Rodney Dangerfield

• A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

1. pict13#

Chris Rock

• I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
• If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.
• “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”
• “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.” (Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars)

Top 100 Funny Quotes